Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which an overexcited fairy flaps her wings over all of America and gently drops a tiny poop on each of your heads. This week, all the tabloids are Platonic ideals of garbage, and together we unravel the mystery of the disappearing Kardashian pets, the cup size of Ariana Grande’s Future Boobs, and the contemporary analogue of Schrodinger’s cat (how Jennifer Aniston can be simultaneously single and planning her wedding and furious at a third party—a sexy hurricane named Odile). InTouch “IT’S OVER!” Buckle up, we are in for a ride through extremely salty water. Exhibit A: Dane Cook is described by the magazine as “actor and (alleged) comedian”—why the parentheses even?—and Kate Hudson is described by Dane Cook as having “purposely ate a feast of onions” before a kissing scene. Well, we can’t be accidentally housing several dozen quarts of onions, can we? It’s as Eleanor Roosevelt once put it, “The purpose of life is to eat a feast of onions.” Amy Adams filled her cart with groceries. “DOOMSDAY PREPPING?” bellowed Cthulhu. “WORLD EXCLUSIVE”: Dean McDermott wrote his ex a love letter. This is upsetting primarily because the ex in question gives Tori Spelling a… Read full this story
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This Week in Tabloids: Kardashian Pets Are Mysteriously Disappearing have 319 words, post on jezebel.com at October 22, 2014. This is cached page on Vietnam Colors. If you want remove this page, please contact us.